The Sacred Heart, Within
This is a story about my initiation into the Sacred Heart. I don't know too much about what other people mean when they talk about the Sacred Heart, yet I know from first hand experience that this is the energy that I was initiated into. Many Christians associate this term with Catholicism, Mary and Christ. I am aware of writings about the burning heart of God, and the paintings of Christ, Mary and Hanuman, with their hearts erupting with flames, and these painting are part of the reason that I call this my initiation into the Sacred Heart.
I mean, I don't know what I would've called it if I hadn't seen these paintings. I would probably call it the 'Initiation into the Burning Heart of God', 'Trial by Fire Initiation', or say that I was 'Bathed in the Magma, Within'.
I had found that in my upper heart region, the region where the physical thymus is, there was a type of pressure. The "higher" I got in meditation, the more I felt this pressure building. It wasn't painful in a physical sense, but I did experience an uncomfortable pressure. Like being locked in a cage that was too tight, it felt that there was not enough room for this ecstasy that my body was producing, to live (in the body). I hope this language makes sense to you, because that's how I experienced it. It was as if this liquid joy was pushing up into that region and it wanted to expand like a fountain, but there was no room! It was just pushing and pushing and pushing.
Even though I was blessed to be born with a perfect skeletal structure, as I was growing up I experienced emotional, physical, and spiritual traumas that caused my heart to close little by little. This was a protective mechanism for the emotional center of my body that caused my bone growth to be constrictive in my heart area. Instead of my shoulders being back and my heart being lifted and open, I adopted the common societal body language that protected my heart area with my shoulders moving forward and slouching in order to cover my heart. I was convinced I could find a solution to this problem in yoga and martial arts, so I began to work on opening my physical heart area through stretching and deep breathing. I worked on this for a year or so before concluding that it was a bony structure issue that wasn't going resolve by any of these methods.
While going through this process, my intuition was clearly telling me something else that I didn't know was related to the heart issue. I was getting a very profound and daunting piece of information. I want to preface this by saying this: not only did this seem huge to me, it was also terrifying. It really shook me to my core and is one of the key things that I want to share with you. Even now, I tremble in the face of truth and am welling up with emotion, as I put this to words. I know the same might be true for you and that maybe it's a secret that you've kept from yourself. I didn't want to accept it and tried to ignore it, but I seek truth above all else and in the end, it was my truth.
Dear One, if this rings true to you, or you can see some relevance to this in your own experience, I want to assure you that the solution can only happen when the problem is acknowledged. It might seem like a solution is nowhere to be found, but this is not the case! I'm not a scientist or a guru but here's what I found: the universe, or all that is, is like a great problem-solving mechanism. Once there is a problem and it is identified by an individuum, the All that Is conspires to solve that problem and the answer will come in ways that one could never expect.
Growing up, after about the age of seven, I was always considered to be a skinny kid. I was very thin up until 1999, when I moved to Zendik Farm, did some colon therapy, maintained a completely organic diet, and worked my ass off. I became “farm strong” there, and worked out with weights, to boot. After I left the farm, I took up yoga and martial arts and I was strong as an ox for once in my life. Needless to say, I did not want to give that up. But fuck, what do you do when you're faced with the truth? Do you run and hide and deny it or do you accept it and do what needs to be done?
I could not imagine anything else to do but to bring my physical power down. Now in doing this, I didn't have to go 'back' to any place I'd been before. I mean, I'd been skinny before but I didn't know how to meditate then, and at least I didn't have to give up stretching and breathing for this. I could also maintain a healthy diet, so I felt this process was doable. I went about this until 2011. It was an eight year process and really a pain in the ass but at least I knew why I was doing what I was doing, even if no one else did. I explained it to a few people who were close to me but really no one had any reference points to help them understand what the hell I was up to. The feeling that I was moving in one direction and the whole world, including the 'spiritual community' around me, was moving in another, was stronger than ever during this time. This was before the birth of the New World on December 21, 2012, so in a very literal sense, everything has changed. Back then, my experience was like swimming against the world's current. There was another 'undercurrent' that dictated my movements. The 'olde world' denied the spirit of Christ.
It wanted it in a form it could explain and expect. God, in all forms, was not accepted. When I was strong, the world told me that I was perfect; but I sensed the problem, there. They embraced me when I was strong, with the ego and the body driving the vehicle, and Innate-Self in the back seat. When I was physically weakening, there was a resistance to accepting my process as divine, and almost a resentment that I felt coming at me, especially from the 'conscious ones'. This was the case, up until I met Wiley.
Wiley was the first being I ever met who was clearly from the same 'planet' that I'm from. He was like a true big brother and a father to me. Our story is too rich and in depth to add into this one, and is a story that deserves it's own space. For now, we'll just say that eventually this whole subject of the pressure in my heart and what I was doing about it, came up in one of our long talks, and he got it. He helped me a lot with it, actually. He gave me a mantra, what he called the 5 Magic Names, and said it would dissolve karma. I can tell you firsthand that it Works. I felt it working in my body and I used it and it did something that no other mantra had done for me. It worked with and for me while I meditated, to unwind karma. It scoops away years of karmic 'stuff' like a little spoon and works like a champ, so I use it. I was also doing a lot of breath work at this time. Not only the typical breath of fire but also long deep breaths where I would exhale for 20 to 30 seconds and then hold my breath at the bottom for 15 to 30 seconds and then inhale for 20 to 30 seconds and then hold my breath at the top for 15 to 30 seconds. I called these “little death breaths” because breathing like this will make you leave the body a little. It'll maybe scare you because it's like a little death and I think that it's pretty universal to feel scared when you start to leave the body. At least that's how it was for me. That was pre-2012 and here we are in 2018 and we are well into the New World. The dust has settled and nothing is the same now.
This initiation process began in August of 2011. I was visiting with someone who was very close to me at the time. I wont say too much about who this person was to me, for the sake his anonymity. I was visiting with him and we got into an argument. I didn't know at the time that he was suffering from an opioid addiction, and was completely out of his mind. We were arguing and things got heated very quickly on his end, so I just left. I had been into martial arts for years at this point and was fully aware of how to defend myself even though I hadn't been to a class in about eight years.
After walking out of his house, he followed, threatening me. I was going to my car and he continued his threats so I was quickly just moving to my car, telling him to stop and leave me alone. He took off his shirt and started coming at me before I could make it into my vehicle so I turned to face him. He then ran at me and attempted to punch me. I knew things were serious so I was in hyper vigilant mode and things just slowed down, like slow-motion. He tried to punch me and I stepped to his side and faced him. He moved right by me so I grab him by the side. At this moment, I had a clear choice: I was either going to pick him up and slam him on his head, possibly breaking his neck but definitely knocking him out, or take it light on him and carefully bring him to the ground and just finish it from there.
In all my years of martial arts training, the teachers always told me that if you ever need to pull the trigger you'd better pull it. They all warned me about this, and I never took martial arts for anything other than self-defense. I actually remember the teachers taking special care to drill this message into me personally, since they could see that I may have trouble with this lesson. I had not once been in a fight, after taking my first class. Instead, I used my confidence to avoid confrontation.
So at that moment I made a choice to go soft on him because he's someone that I love.
Was this a mistake? I cannot say that there is any such thing as a mistake, but what I can say is that for as long as I live, the pain of what happened next will remind me to think twice before having mercy on a merciless person.
Pain taught me that this is not an appropriate thing to do. If someone needs fire, don't give them water. It's just as inappropriate as giving someone fire if they need water. When pain teaches you something like this, it's not easily forgotten. Before this happened, I would say that I was a pacifist. Now, I would say that appropriate action is paramount. So this one little decision change my life. I slammed him on his side, having mercy on him, and as we were getting up he grabbed me and kneed me in the chest and broke my sternum, disconnecting the top two ribs on the left side, from the sternum.
From here, it's all just details. I continued to beg him to stop but he was intent on inflicting his inner suffering on me, the way that kids do these days. They watch MMA and they play these godforsaken video games and have no respect for the human being that's right in front of them, that needs mercy. It seemed he wanted to take my life, so I still had to incapacitate him before I could get out of the situation and into my car. It was brutal. As soon as my sternum broke, the weight of my head literally collapsed my spine. Have you ever played the old Donkey Kong? In the beginning of the game, when all the bridges are lined up, Kong bangs and stomps and all the bridges collapse. It was the same as this, with the new arrangement of each disc being like those bridges, collapsing into each other at the ends. My entire spine collapsed this way. I went from having perfect alignment to a completely collapsed spine, in just a few seconds.
(above is a picture of my spine, 1yr after the sternum broke, and right before seeing a chiropractor for the first time. Now You Know what I mean when I say that my journey was a painful one. The only reprieve was knowing that my journey would help others' to be less painful)
Simultaneously, I decided not to use painkillers because this pain was so intense, morphine was my only option and I didn't want to be numb through this process or deal with such an addictive substance. All I wanted was to get home and lie down on my little cot. What happened when I finally got to my cot is nothing short of an all-out miracle and blessing from heaven and earth.
I wasn't aware at this time, that there is actually a medicinal treatment called bee sting therapy, or BST. But I am clairvoyant and clairaudient and I often times See the inner world, so I knew what was happening in the body. I knew that this little bee was a great ally and that it's medicine was saving me years and years of pain in the future. I knew that this nervine, brain searing tonic coursing and burning through my brain and neck,down the spine and into my body, was burning out toxins that would have otherwise took years and years to get through. I dowsed that this little bee took care of about 20 years worth of toxins in this one sting.
This mix of liquid magma that was coming from my chest, connected with this brain-nerve fire tonic that was coursing through the brain and the entire nervous system. It was almost unbearable. I really thought that the pain was going to push me out of my body, and that I might not live through it. Thank God there was someone nearby who helped me get some Benadryl. I prayed that the Benadryl would not stop the healing process but I felt that I needed to take it in order to make sure I would live. I should mention here that I do have a bee allergy and that this is the second time I've been stung on my third eye. It happened once before when a hornet got me when I was 3 years old, and my eyes swelled shut for two weeks. I don't know whether the Benadryl saved my life or not but it seem like the right thing to do at the time.
After taking the Benadryl, I laid down and meditated like my life depended on it. Throughout this whole process of healing, I've taken under 20 pain pills, including ibuprofen and Advil. The meditation has saved me. Learning to meditate in this way and being still in meditation for hours and days on end, taught me about dealing with pain and also helped me set up residence in a New World, where this spiritual body dictates what is right for the physical body.
So I will say to always wish for the highest best thing for all and be brave, for what is required from you might be more than you ever thought that you could give. Love is our true nature. As we come into our true nature once again, everything within us that is not us, will be forced to leave. In this process, there will be pain. Suffering is not necessary, but you must feel the things that are not you, as they leave.
The difference between pain leaving and pain happening to us is profound, but it feels the same. Pain is pain, but it pays to be able to distinguish between the pain that is leaving, and the pain that is happening now.
If you can feel it and let it go, without attaching to it and getting wrapped back up and it, it will leave you and never come back. Coming to our original self can be a painful process because we came into this world to take on its pain and transmute it. We simply could not have healed the world without experiencing the problems, first hand. Suffering is not necessary in this process. We cannot overlay our spiritual ideals onto this reality and expect to become enlightened or free of pain. It is our duty to get rid of everything within us that is not us. This can be done by the drop, spoonful, or layers at a time. All we need do is set the course within and keep a steady hand. The universe will conspire to help you to be who you really are and to leave that which you are not. It leaves you as you leave it, and there is plenty of help along the way.